Sex, Love and Dodgy Food in Thailand...

I start this week blog from the cool confines of the Jolly Frog, a backpacker's hostelry with a rather pleasant garden overlooking the fast-flowing River Kwai. The garden itself is probably the best part of the entire establishment. It is always quiet, peaceful and encourages one to sit and read, or merely to ponder, amongst the palm and tamarind trees. There are even a pair of very copious hammocks, made from knotted webbing, slung between the palm trees, generously supplied for those who enjoy the delights of swinging rhythmically back and forth whilst they choose to contemplate the meaning of life or the content of their navel. The restaurant itself, where I am actually tapping happily away at my netbook, is somewhat less salubrious. In fact, the expression 'cheap and cheerful' could have been coined especially for it.

I have a fondness for the slightly down-market, down-at-heel, ambience of the place though, often enjoying a pause in the writing to look around at the eclectic collection of characters that this place attracts. By now (mid-morning), most of the clientèle have escaped the comfy confines of their beds and wandered, bleary eyed, into the restaurant to indulge in an incredibly wide range of food from egg and chips to pad sai-ee, from frankfurters to chicken chow mein. The menu is thick indeed, thick enough to cater for a very wide range of international tastes and, in a truly democratic manner, all the dishes are prepared to a similarly low standard. They can ruin almost anything here...

There are numerous gentlemen sitting around the tables, often of more advanced years, accompanied by much younger Thai females. Sometimes, these arrangements are temporary, but more often there is an ongoing relationship. They meet up with the lass in question whenever they come back to Thailand. In many cases, they may even subsidize the woman whilst they are away. The Thai woman for her part, will be faithful enough to the man in question whilst he is with her, but there may well be others when he returns to his part of the world. It is a very pragmatic attitude that such females have and, in general, it serves them well. The gents in question often know this is the case and usually don't mind too much. Some of the more naïve ones, as is ever the case in these matters, believe they have found the 'love of their lives' and act accordingly. Fortunately, this is not often the case, but it is always a little sad to see when it is.

Some of my friends have asked me for my thoughts on the exploitation that goes on in Thailand. In their minds they often have the notion that the Thai girls are exploited by the visiting Europeans (or Australians, Americans, etc.). From my perspective the reality is, as ever in life, a lot more nuanced, and it is often difficult to tell exactly who is exploiting who. For the most part, these situations seem to be largely symbiotic, with both parties taking what they need from the situation. If both are reasonably happy with the arrangement that ensues, then I would be the last to criticise or to judge.

Judging in such matters is always an easy option, but almost invariably a lazy one as well. Often it involves a certain amount cultural prejudice and just a tad of parochialism. It is strange how easily many folk, often even those who profess to have the most liberal of views in other matters, feel free to rant and rave about the perceived misdoings of middle-aged or elderly white males. It seems to be forever open season on such easy targets.

Beyond these more impermanent relationships, there are many who settle down with Thai wives and even raise families here. The arrangement, as with much in Thai life, often has a certain 'business-like' quality to it. There is an understanding, a mutual exchange between the persons involved, each getting what it is they want or need from the situation. There are some 'gold diggers' amongst the Thai women to be sure, but, to be fair once again, for the most part they keep to their side of the bargain and look after their husbands through thick and thin.

For my part, I have a certain admiration for the ex-pats that gather here. They are the select few who actually have had the courage to step out of the mode, to escape the rut, to break free of the often deeply hypocritical societal norms that those who criticize them purport to follow. Reality is that often those who sit on their immobile posteriors and make their observations from a great distance are simply lacking the courage themselves to step out of the rut that their 'normal' lives place them in and take the plunge, with all its concomitant risks.

It is certainly true that there are many drunkards, many reprobates, many ne'er-do-wells, amongst the ex-pat community. Some can be quite depressing at times. There are few things worse than being trapped at a bar with one such, often necessity finishing one's libation and an early exit . On the other hand, there are also many interesting, even at times fascinating, courageous and multi-faceted characters here as well. The conversations range from the pathetic to the profound, from Wayne Rooney's recent form to Buddhism's influence on Christianity, from the attractions of women with hair beneath their armpits to the literary contributions of Ernest Hemingway and Henry Miller , from the efficacy of a Thai massage to the role of linguistics in modern political discourse . In short, it is much like one would find in many a café, bar or pub back in Europe except that here the intensity and the immediacy is far greater.

Kanchanaburi itself is relatively restrained as far as the sex trade goes. There are a few bars at the end of the tourist strip, mostly rather sad at the moment and lacking in customers. Several of these are ladyboy joints apparently, with those working there often sitting outside the bar nattering amongst themselves, probably bemoaning the parlous state of business this year. (I am still rubbish at telling the difference, protruding adam's apples or not. Fortunately, because I tend to avoid the whole milieu, this is not a problem for me). In this particular town, there is still a client base for such things, oddly it is probably larger than that for the more 'normal' arrangements, which are somewhat less adequately catered for here in this part of Kanchanaburi.

A good friend of mine from back in Europe often informs me of how amazing he finds such 'women'. It always strikes a discordant note with me as, at the same time, he frequently expresses a horror of homosexuality. I have, amongst several of his friends, tried to point out the inconsistency of his position but, in his world at least, as long as the person in question is in possession of most of the female attributes, then the odd 'modification' is not a problem for him. Who am I to judge? If we are honest, each and every one of us has our own peccadilloes, our own preferences. It is strange how many people seem to free feel to criticise others whilst at the same time insisting that their own quirks are relatively 'normal'.

For my part, the so-called 'temptations' of Thai night-life hold little temptation at all. This is not due to the holding of any particularly moral position on these matters, but simply the perception that such an encounter holds no fascination for me. If others experience such things differently, and choose to indulge, then it is fine by me. A little less judging and a lot more tolerance would go a long way in this world. Many of those who are so quick to judge others for following their preferences often seem to be of a more onanistic disposition themselves, preferring their pleasures sans risk, and are simply expressing their own fears or envy.

Back in the jolly old Jolly Frog, most of the breakfasters have now dispersed and we are left with the usual absurd ratio of multiple members of staff to very few guests. One wonders how this place can possibly make any profit at all, but it is one of the longest surviving establishments in Kanchanaburi. Indeed, it is often said that this place started the whole backpacking tradition in this town. For all its limitations, it has its own charm in a 'spit and sawdust' kind of way. It's basic, very basic, but still a very comfortable place to be.

Much the same could be said of Thailand ...

PS. A short addendum to this blog: A couple of weeks after this was written I met an Irish bar owner in Bangkok who told me the story of an English friend of his. The man had decided to settle in Thailand's capital with a younger Thai wife. They bought a house together which, according to the bar owner, was beautifully appointed and very tastefully decorated. When I say 'they', I mean that the English guy put up the money whilst the house was registered in his wife's name, as is the law out here. After a couple of years, the man in question had to return home due to the ill health of a parent. On returning, two weeks later, he knocked on the door to his own house only to be answered by a complete stranger who told him that he was now the owner of the property. Of the Englishman's wife there was no sign and no forwarding address.

A few weeks later, and by sheer coincidence, the Englishman strolled on to a beach in Hua Hin only to come across his wife sunbathing with drink in hand. To his credit, he kept his cool, but did ask her what had happened. She openly admitted that she had sold the place and bough a new one in Udon Thani. She was completely matter-of-fact about this, seeming not even to conceive of her behaviour as in any way reprehensible.

Needless to say, the Englishman attempted to seek recompense through Thai law. Equally needless to say, he got none. Essentially, the law is set up in such a way as to give the 'farang' little or no chance in such circumstances.

Would be suitors beware...