Too far to walk...

 

"We begin here then, in the very quick of the nightmare, in the crucible where all values are reduced to slag."

Henry Miller - The Air Conditioned Nightmare

This evening I find myself enjoying the slightly salubrious yet subtly seductive comforts of the 'Jolly Frog'. This particular guesthouse, perhaps more than any other, was responsible for putting Kanchanaburi on the map as a backpacker's destination. That was many, many years ago now, and of more recent times it has become something of an emblem of Kanchanaburi, despite an ongoing process of delightfully delapidating degradation that has rendered its décor somewhat dated by modern standards . To say the rooms are basic is to understate the reality. This is not the place to come if one requires high levels of opulence in order to enjoy a break. On the other hand, its throwback decadence to its glory days of the seventies has an almost timeless appeal to a huge variety of travellers. The clientèle this evening are an odd mixture of the geriatric remains of a peripatetic generation and a cosmopolitan group of footloose and fancy free youngsters trying to reinvigorate the bygone days of backpacking yore.
In short, the Jolly Frog has a rather pleasant way of attracting the outlandish and the eccentric. Its garden is perhaps its most notable feature, sitting as it does aside the River Kwai. Unlike the rest of the establishment, it is always looked after with great care and, perhaps, even love. As I tap out these notes on a hot and steamy Wednesday evening I cannot help but overhear the delightfully bizarre conversations of the youngsters sharing a beer or two and swinging to and fro in the hammocks in the centre of the garden. From the accents I am guessing we have several Spaniards, a Frenchman or two, a young American with a predilection for swearing every time he wishes to emphasize a point and several girls, perhaps one American, one French and one English. They, much like myself, are enjoying the late night delights of a bottle or two of 'Archa', a cheap but cheerful Thai beer that sells for the very reasonable 49 baht in the local convenience store, and the soporific atmosphere of a warm night relaxing beside the river.
Actually, I have to admit to being pleased to be back here this evening after a very unpleasant sojourn into Bangkok over the past couple of days. In my years of travelling I have visited many, many cities from Moscow (very dull) to New York (very noisy), Barcelona to Venice (both fascinating), Cairo to Izmir, and many others far too numerous to mention, but I cannot think of any city over decades of travelling that is quite as unremittingly unpleasant as Bangkok. It is a dirty, dingy, dilapidated dystopian disaster of a city that has few, if any, redeeming features.
I spent last night in a hotel 2.5 kms from Don Mueang Airport, chosen for its proximity. In practice, it took nearly an hour and a half to find said hotel (the Pool House Guest Residence). My first resort was to attempt to hire a taxi, but trying to communicate with the drivers of these vehicles proved to be almost impossible. None of them seemed to recognise the name of the hotel, even though I had it written in both English and Thai. None of them seemed to have the foggiest idea of how to read a map, the very concept seeming to throw them into a state of confusion. None of them seemed to want to go on the metre, even though the law requires them to do so, preferring attempts to arrange a hugely inflated price beforehand instead. 

 
After several efforts that merely resulted in increased frustration, I resolved to walk to the hotel. This was probably a mistake as it took vastly longer than expected owing to the lack of anywhere to actually walk. What pavements there were were invariably broken up to the point of unsuitability, the rest of the journey being a case of either walking through a seemingly endless building site or against the stream of a apparently never ending cascade of recklessly driven motor vehicles.
Eventually, I found a 7-11 store that I knew to be in the vicinity of the guest house. I asked the girl behind the counter if she knew the hotel. She did, but she assured me that it was far too far to even consider walking. Instead, she suggested I take a motor bike. Tired, sweaty and a little fed up (a rare emotion for me), I took what I perceived as a rather desperate option and clambered aboard a Honda 90.
The rider rode thirty metres to the West, twenty five metres to the North, followed by one hundred metres to the east and…. we were there. As an expression of the idea of 'too far too walk' it seemed to be lacking something vital that, in the West at least, we tend to call 'distance'. 

 
To be fair, the Thai conception of 'too far to walk' is very different to the British or American. To those of us in the West, the expression would indicate several miles of challenging perambulation, whereas here in Thailand 'too far to walk' means anything above 40 yards or so. An old joke sprang to mind: question“What do you call a person walking in Thailand?”, answer “A tourist!”.
(Actually, I was tempted to use another, very much similar, line earlier, It was along the lines of 'what do you call someone hopelessly lost in Bangkok', the answer being, obviously, 'a taxi driver').
It is hard to conceive of a form of words that will convey just how hopelessly unpleasant Bangkok is. It consists of street upon street, road upon road, of sheer, adulterated ugliness. Even the centre of town, the area around the Royal Palaces, are notable for just how tacky the use of excessive gold leaf can appear. It comes across as a depressing display of unjustified opulence in a land where most of the population are struggling even to put a meal on the table.

Such tasteless decoration accounts for only a small area though, the vast majority of Bangkok being an endless chaos of cars and cables, broken pavements and unrepaired holes, officious policemen and self-righteous military men. From East to West South to North, inside and outside, over a vast distance, there is barely anything that one could recommend to someone about this truly atrocious city.

Luckily (I survived!), I now find myself back in the far pleasanter environs of Kanchanaburi where, if all goes well, I intend to spend the next couple of weeks reading, writing and learning to juggle. The last being the result of meeting Alex, a professional German juggler who was happy to pass on the basics to me in return for a few lessons of twirling nunchucks (I am no master, but sufficiently competent now to start a complete neophyte on the path towards a level of competence).
The hot season has arrived, with rumours of temperatures in excess of 40C on the way in the coming week. This seems a good enough excuse to me to curtail the more physical aspects of flaneurial activity and to concentrate instead on the process of writing, both this blog and a book I have been planning for a year or so now. The prospect of afternoons spent in air conditioned cafés slowly imbibing Americanos and fruit smoothies whilst tapping away on my netbook seems pleasant indeed in this heat...

Thai Lessons...

This week's blog comes from the pleasant confines of the Korn Cafe in Chang An. It is located in a small commercial area adjacent to the rather august town square. Unusually for China, the area has been designed as a pedestrians only precinct, which makes strolling in its environs so much pleasanter than usual. The whole area is somewhat italianate in style, even going so far as to include a three story campanile at its heart.  The lack of traffic almost draws a sigh from me, so pleasant it is to be free at last from that ever-present intrusion. In such conditions, one feels free to focus on the task of composing this week's offering. As ever, when writing these blogs, I find myself to have a wide range of possibilities to choose from, each with its own merits. In the end though, I have concluded that a little reflection on some of the lessons learnt in Thailand would not come amiss.

These tips are intended to be helpful to the would-be traveller. The idea is to allow the enjoyment of some of the pleasanter aspects whilst avoiding some of the more 'catch-all' pitfalls that seem to ensnare so many there. Thailand is a very beautiful country, which the discerning traveller can enjoy on many levels; it is also extremely dangerous, both on a personal safety level and, particularly at the time of writing, on the political level. So, without further ado, here are my own personal top ten tips for enjoying the time you spend in Thailand. Bear in mind, as you read these tips, that they are the work of a middle-aged Westerner who has a penchant for enjoying his pleasures slowly; they may not, indeed defintitely will not, apply to everyone.

1.     Beware of hiring motorbikes! My own personal experience lasted about twelve hours before my orientation was changed from the vertical to the horizontal by a van driver who had apparently never quite got his head around the concepts of lanes. My experience was by no means unique; hundreds, maybe even thousands, of tourists are injured or even killed each year on the roads of Thailand. Much like myself, many came with years of experience of motorbikes and think they should be able to handle themselves relatively easily in this new situation. Thailand is not Europe though, it is not the US either. Totally different rules apply here or, to be more exact, no rules apply here. There is much to recommend the carefree approach to life that many Thais have, it makes them a joyful and happy people, but perhaps it does not serve them that well on the road, where it comes across as irresponsibility, immaturity and an almost total lack of imagination as to the consequences of their actions.

2.     If you wish to stay on the outside of Thailand's infamous prisons, then don't say anything about the King, his extended family, or even the concept of monarchy itself. You may feel that monarchy is wonderful or you may consider it the ridiculous remnants of a particularly poor form of government but, in Thailand, keep your views to yourself.  In the legal system in Thailand, there is a particularly 'diffficult' piece of legislation that comes under the apparently benign heading of section 112. This relates to the 'lese majeste' laws. 'Lese majeste' applies to anyone who "defames, insults or threatens the king, the queen, the heir-apparent or the regent", and can be punished with up to 15 years in prison. Many rational observers of the situation may view this as quite obscenely excesssive, but be warned, it is the law in Thailand and ignoring that fact could land you in a very 'challenging' situations indeed!

3.     If you plan to stay in the country for anything longer than a couple of weeks, do yourself a favour and at least make some attempt at learning a little of the language. No one will expect you to know that much, the Thais themselves realise that it is not an easy language for Westerners to master based as it is on the use of tones (much like mandarin), but ... making the effort will garner you much respect from the locals. The very basic of basics in Thailand is the phrase 'Sawadee Kah' (if you are a female, 'Sawadee Khrap' if you are a male). You will be greeted by this phrase, sometimes accompanied by a prayer like hand-gesture knowing as 'wai-ing', everywhere you go. It is polite to respond in like fashion. This greeting works for 'hello', 'good morning', 'good day' or even 'good night'. If you can manage nothing else, at least use this phrase!

4.     This one is kinda obvious, but perhaps worth re-stating as it is such a basic truth about Thailand: it is hot! Not hot as in a 'phew, what a scorcher' type day in the UK. Such a day would be considered very mild here. Not hot as in a pleasant Pensylvania afternoon where the mercury pushes pleasantly past the mid 20's C., but hot as in really, really hot. When I left a week ago now, the temperature was around 41C. (106 F.). This basically means that it is best to confine physical activity to the two ends of the day and to avoid any such exertion between the hours of 1330 and 1630. My own favourite way of coping, as befits a flaneur, was to duck into an air conditioned cafe and either read (usually the excellent Bangkok Post or novels by Henry Miller, my personal favourite 'du jour'), write, follow your nose on the internet or, as many Thais do (when they decide not to simply 'kip' it out), indulge in a little socialising. Make sure you drink enough. Tis not enough to sip occasionally – you need to think in terms of three to four litres of liquid per day. Failure to do so can result in such things as heat stroke. I personally experienced this in Chiang Mai a while back and I would not recommend the experience!

5.     Get yourself out into the countryside. Many visitors to Thailand go to Bangkok or Patthaya and believe they have see the country. Both these places have their attractions, but are more suited to certain classes of tourists than others. There is so much natural beauty in Thailand as to make the experience quite mind-boggling at times. The fauna and flora are a wonder to behold; the place quite literally teems with life. In recent months, the Thai military government, it their seemingly infinite wisdom, have decided to put the prices up in the National Parks. For Thais, they increased the charges a tiny amount, meaning that the entrance fee for natives is now around 40 baht (£0.80). For tourists, it went up a very large amount to the literally princely sum of 400 baht (£8.00). This, apparently, was a popular move with some Thais, but is hardly likely to help the already severely flagging tourist industry. Luckily, there is far, far more natural beauty in Thailand than is confined by the National Parks.

6.     The last point allows a rather neat seque into the next: the inherent racism within Thai culture. This comes as something of a shock to those who expect a Buddhist based culture of tolerance and acceptance. To be fair, Thais are generally pretty tolerant and accepting, and certainly friendly by nature, but the casual racism with which they regard outsiders can become a tad annoying at times. To be even fairer, it is far from unknown for other groups of people to harbor similar delusions of their own grandeur and believe they are in some way special, chosen or somehow better than others, but the Thais are more open about it than most. This is a somewhat controversial issue, indeed many will deny that it exists at all, often using some pretty impressively convoluted logic to demonstrate how attitudes towards farangs are not racist. My opinion, for what it is worth, is that such people are in some sort of denial. There is a belief for many Thais (by no means all), unfounded and unsupported by any fact, that anyone not Thai is not as intelligent, are culturally less developed, and are of lesser ability and value. The value of Thai superiority is drummed into the kids from an early age, and if they have never left the country, they will encounter few views amongst their peer group to contradict this somewhat odd notion.

7.     On a somewhat less controversial note, one has to say that Thai food is simply superb. I cannot vouch for the whole range as I am vegetarian and therefore refrain from the many meat and fish dishes on offer. Even given that restriction, the choice is still amazingly large, invariably tasty and very uniquely Thai. My personal favourite was Rad Naa, a dish of mixed vegetables in a bean gravy, served in a high-sided bowl with some very thick noodles. Away from Bangkok, in the smaller towns, the food tends to be very fresh and often locally sourcecd. The drinks are also a pleasure, particularly the many forms of fruit shakes, although care needs to be taken with these because of the Thai's habit of sweetening everything, usually with some form of a syrup or just straight sugar. On the more natural side of things, coconuts are a boon. The juice is great for rehydrating; many believe it to be as good as over-the-counter phramaceuticals such as rehydrat. You also get the pleasure of spooning out the white flesh afterwards. Fruit is also both varied, fresh and amazingly cheap.

8.     Speaking of fruits (as in 'oranges are not the only … '), I think I should say a few words about kaetoys. Many a guy has gone into a bar in Thailand and, not quite believing their luck, found himself 'pulling' a stunning looking 'girl', only to discover on subsequent inspection that what he has pulled is not a girl at all, but comes complete with the extra plumbing more commonly associated with being a guy. My only advice in such circumstances, would be to extract yourself (no pun intended … ) as seemingly and as politely as possible. Of course, there are some who feel that such a situation is not a problem at all. If this is what rocks your particular boat, then I personally have no problem with that. A good friend of mine, oddly with an often expressed horror of homosexuality, feels that spending his nights in Thailand with ladyboys does not qualify for that epithet. I would respectfully beg to differ but … each to his own!

Yes, they are all ladyboys. One cannot blame some guys for getting a tad confused at times!

9.     For my ninth tip, I think I will go back to the problems of travelling in Thailand. Covering long distances by rail can be an onerous chore, mainly due to the slowness of the trains. Because of this factor, and because of the relative expense of flying, many choose to utilise the long-distance buses. They certainly look and feel luxurious, usually being double-decked and having such creature comforts as wi-fi, TV and deeply reclining chairs. The problem I have with this mode of transport is twofold. Firstly, the construction: as one blogger noted, these things seem to be 'made of discarded yoghurt cartons and held together by paper clips'. One sees them being worked on in grubby workshops, guys with acetylene torches welding skinny struts together that look as if one could easily bend them with minimal force and using just one hand, if so desired.  Secondly, the drivers: these are sometimes completely knackered before they even start, having worked unreasonably long hours.They can also be beetle-juice fuelled maniacs, often with little or no experience, but who do have a somewhat inconsiderate habit of disappearing once they have wrapped the bus around a tree or plunged it over a ravine. It seems that almost every week one reads of yet another multi-fatality accident involving these things. If at all possible, it is better to steer clear...

10.    The final tip that I have room for addresses the problem of accommodation. Hotel prices are cheap in Thailand. If you are paying anything more than £25 a night away from Bangkok, then you should be living in some kind of air-conditioned palace. Reasonably luxurious rooms can be had for far, far less. If you wish to stay in any one place for an extended length of time, say a month or more, then think about renting a flat or house. This was my personal choice and I ended up in a flat with a single bedroom, lounge, bathroom and verandah, complete with TV and wifi thrown in, for the princely sum of £60. A German friend found a very decent and much more modern flat, complete with air conditioning and access to a garden, for £50. Houses in Kanachanaburi started from around £100 a month and a two bedroom place with access to a pool could be had for £135. Not at all bad methinks, such an amount would not even cover the council tax back in the UK.

Having come to the end of my ten tips, I have the feeling that there is so much more that I have left out. Such things as haggling, arranging your own trips, local buses, spiritual retreats and best value buys all deserve a mention, but space and time are at a premium, so I had better wrap-up this weeks missive at this point.

My newly found watering-hole is still quiet and pleasant, even though the time has moved on to five in the evening now. As cafes go in China, I have to say that this is definitely one of the better offerings. The pleasantness of the ambient music (nice and quiet!), the availability of magazines and books, the sumptuous nature of the sofa-like chairs, all go to make an excellent impression. Last week, I was feeling somewhat cynical as to the standard and the interest of cafes on offer in China, or at least in this part of that enormous land. This week, much to my surprise, I have come across several really rather plesant offerings which shall be explored and reported upon over the next few blogs. A pleasant prospect for a foot-weary flaneur!