“Have you ever wondered
why so many items of women’s clothing don’t have pockets?”
Esther Vilar
This week, I find myself in the rather dark , albeit friendly and relaxed environs of Cochan Coffee in the bustling business district of South Dongguan. These Chinese cafés seem to work to a recipe that demands the ubiquitous presence of music continuously blaring away in the background. Some, like C café, have a tape that consists of about three songs only and loops from dawn to dusk and beyond. Others, like Hey!!! Cyber, feel that Western Rock is an appropriate background to the enjoyment of a cup of coffee. They are sadly mistaken, of course, but that same recipe is repeated day in and day out. This particular café specialises in somewhat softer Western Pop and seems to actually change the music on a daily basis. Such practices come as something of a relief. Listening to tapes looping again and again has something akin to the effects of the infamous Chinese water torture on me and brings on an almost irresistible temptation to place a booted, size 14 foot, through the offending apparatus.
The Chinese, or at least it seems to me, are dominated by custom and practice, even when that custom and practice are no longer applicable or, worse yet, were not a good idea in the first place. All societies have expectations of their constituents, ways of being and acting that seem fitting and appropriate within that society. In China, perhaps, those expectations are nowhere more prevalent than in the area of marriage and reproduction. Every person within the society carries the weight of expectation that at some stage, the earlier the better, they will pair off and create multiple replicas of themselves. Not that China is lacking in such replicas, currently they have some 1.38 billion of them and going up. One area that China is definitely not to be found wanting in is people…
The weight of these expectations in China has been keenly felt since the age of Confucius and his emphasis on filial piety. The ‘rightness’ of getting married and having children is scarcely ever questioned within this society, even though the country suffers from severe problems of massive overpopulation. At some stage, usually without much personal consideration at all, the average Chinese will feel it is almost a duty to fulfill his/her society’s expectations and thus lock their lives into a certain, pre-determined course for decades to come.
One of the relatively good things about China though though, is the relative simplicity of the marriage contract. People are general married via a secular ceremony carried out by a local official. Chinese females, being female, often insist in many of the trappings of Western style weddings: white dresses, bridesmaids and all the rest of the paraphernalia associated with celebrating the capture of a husband. Despite all this, if the marriage fails (which they are increasingly likely to do in China, just like almost everywhere else), it is relatively easy for the couple to divorce. If both parties are agreed, this can be done in a weekend. Even if they disagree, the process is still much simpler than that which is ‘normal’ in the West.
If the husband had a property before the marriage, there is no question of it being shared with the wife after a divorce, especially if she has made no contribution to the acquisition of that property. The split is relatively equitable. Children are provided for, if necessary, but beyond that there is no onerous obligation on the part of the husband to sacrifice his financial well-being to his now ex-wife.
Perhaps this is an area where we in the West could learn from the Chinese and the way that marriage and divorce are handled here, at least in the legal sense. Given the lack of even-handedness in divorce law in the West, there is clearly a need for some re-adjustment before men start to give up on the idea of marriage altogether. Indeed, exactly this is happening in America at the moment. In previous decades, 70% of those of marriageable age would, indeed, be married. That figure is now barely 50% and going down fast. The main reason for this is appears to be that men are now perceiving marriage as a ‘bad deal’. One wonders what took them so long?
Given current legislation in most Western countries, almost all the risk of marriage is taken on by the male, almost all the reward given to the female. This becomes even more so if the couple divorce. Whether or not she has contributed to financing the property the couple live in, the wife will tend to end up benefiting if they separate. Unlike in China, no consideration is given to the simple fact that she has not contributed and she is deemed, simply because of the fact of living there, to be entitled to at least a share of the said premises, sometimes the whole kith and caboodle. This same situation often applies to the husband’s wealth, even when the wife has made no contribution whatsoever, she can still expect a ‘nice little earner’ from the settlement.
The blatant inequality of
the law in such situations has led to the creation of a new career
path for females in the US, although admittedly similar situations
have occurred in many cultures over the centuries. The phenomena is
known as a variation of ‘hypergamy’ and consists of a process of
‘marrying up’ through a range of husbands, gradually moving up in
social class, and gaining greatly from the settlement each time the
female divorces yet another man who has become surplus to
requirements. If there have been children from the previous
marriages, so much the better for her. The courts will have awarded
her generous settlements which, essentially, will allow her to live
out her days without the need to actually work ever again. The same,
of course, cannot be said for the ex-husbands. They often find
themselves working all the hours for the next few decades in order to
pay maintenance to their former wife to keep her and her new
lover/husband in some degree of comfort. Failure to do so, at least
in the US, can lead to incarceration.
Given such a situation, is
it any wonder that more and more men are rejecting marriage
altogether? Even a ‘successful marriage’ will entail restraining
their options in almost every area in life simply for the reward of
providing a female with house, home, financial support and
replicants. As Pete Duel asked, somewhat incredulously, in the role
of Hannibal Heyes, ‘That’s a good deal?’
Back in the Cochan the musical accompaniment has changed to a relatively pleasant, and markedly less intrusive, classical composition. The early morning crowd of stressed and smoking men has disappeared into their offices and the clientèle now largely consists of middle-aged housewives, perhaps the partners of those very men who previously occupied the place, contentedly passing the time of day with their friends. Tis a hard life for some...
This week, I find myself in the rather dark , albeit friendly and relaxed environs of Cochan Coffee in the bustling business district of South Dongguan. These Chinese cafés seem to work to a recipe that demands the ubiquitous presence of music continuously blaring away in the background. Some, like C café, have a tape that consists of about three songs only and loops from dawn to dusk and beyond. Others, like Hey!!! Cyber, feel that Western Rock is an appropriate background to the enjoyment of a cup of coffee. They are sadly mistaken, of course, but that same recipe is repeated day in and day out. This particular café specialises in somewhat softer Western Pop and seems to actually change the music on a daily basis. Such practices come as something of a relief. Listening to tapes looping again and again has something akin to the effects of the infamous Chinese water torture on me and brings on an almost irresistible temptation to place a booted, size 14 foot, through the offending apparatus.
The Chinese, or at least it seems to me, are dominated by custom and practice, even when that custom and practice are no longer applicable or, worse yet, were not a good idea in the first place. All societies have expectations of their constituents, ways of being and acting that seem fitting and appropriate within that society. In China, perhaps, those expectations are nowhere more prevalent than in the area of marriage and reproduction. Every person within the society carries the weight of expectation that at some stage, the earlier the better, they will pair off and create multiple replicas of themselves. Not that China is lacking in such replicas, currently they have some 1.38 billion of them and going up. One area that China is definitely not to be found wanting in is people…
The weight of these expectations in China has been keenly felt since the age of Confucius and his emphasis on filial piety. The ‘rightness’ of getting married and having children is scarcely ever questioned within this society, even though the country suffers from severe problems of massive overpopulation. At some stage, usually without much personal consideration at all, the average Chinese will feel it is almost a duty to fulfill his/her society’s expectations and thus lock their lives into a certain, pre-determined course for decades to come.
One of the relatively good things about China though though, is the relative simplicity of the marriage contract. People are general married via a secular ceremony carried out by a local official. Chinese females, being female, often insist in many of the trappings of Western style weddings: white dresses, bridesmaids and all the rest of the paraphernalia associated with celebrating the capture of a husband. Despite all this, if the marriage fails (which they are increasingly likely to do in China, just like almost everywhere else), it is relatively easy for the couple to divorce. If both parties are agreed, this can be done in a weekend. Even if they disagree, the process is still much simpler than that which is ‘normal’ in the West.
If the husband had a property before the marriage, there is no question of it being shared with the wife after a divorce, especially if she has made no contribution to the acquisition of that property. The split is relatively equitable. Children are provided for, if necessary, but beyond that there is no onerous obligation on the part of the husband to sacrifice his financial well-being to his now ex-wife.
Perhaps this is an area where we in the West could learn from the Chinese and the way that marriage and divorce are handled here, at least in the legal sense. Given the lack of even-handedness in divorce law in the West, there is clearly a need for some re-adjustment before men start to give up on the idea of marriage altogether. Indeed, exactly this is happening in America at the moment. In previous decades, 70% of those of marriageable age would, indeed, be married. That figure is now barely 50% and going down fast. The main reason for this is appears to be that men are now perceiving marriage as a ‘bad deal’. One wonders what took them so long?
Given current legislation in most Western countries, almost all the risk of marriage is taken on by the male, almost all the reward given to the female. This becomes even more so if the couple divorce. Whether or not she has contributed to financing the property the couple live in, the wife will tend to end up benefiting if they separate. Unlike in China, no consideration is given to the simple fact that she has not contributed and she is deemed, simply because of the fact of living there, to be entitled to at least a share of the said premises, sometimes the whole kith and caboodle. This same situation often applies to the husband’s wealth, even when the wife has made no contribution whatsoever, she can still expect a ‘nice little earner’ from the settlement.
Back in the Cochan the musical accompaniment has changed to a relatively pleasant, and markedly less intrusive, classical composition. The early morning crowd of stressed and smoking men has disappeared into their offices and the clientèle now largely consists of middle-aged housewives, perhaps the partners of those very men who previously occupied the place, contentedly passing the time of day with their friends. Tis a hard life for some...
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